OOTD 8/20/2011 Biggest Loser CC

I started a blog about my health journy so as to not clutter this blog with weight loss stuff that might not be appriciated by some people in search of only fashion blogging.

Curvy Kittens Health Journey

It is shared with my friend.

My CC went less that what I hoped for, but I'm going to keep trying to get on the show and I'm continuing my efforts on my own as well. I meet quite a few nice people in line. Most did not live close enough to me for me to extend an invitation to join my exercise efforts but they where great people to spend the day with and I enjoyed being in line with them.

Picts...

Just wanted to let you know.

Just wanted to let you know, since I don't want to jinx myself about next weekend (the 20th) this and the picts of myself in my outfit while I'm in line that I will post as a OOTD will be the last you hear about me trying out for The Biggest Loser. If I don't make it then eventually... eventually but not now, I will start posting on a separate blog about what I'm doing to try to get healthy since some plus size blogger readers might not like to mix weight loss with their plus size fashion reading.

Rite now I just need to focus on the effort itself and then once I get in the rhythm of things then I might post about it and see how you all think I'm doing.

Currently my efforts have been to kick the soda habit (witch is going well thank you) and to start doing healthy replacements to my every day food (witch has been expensive but hopefully will pay off in the long run). I'm hoping to get some exercise in. Been mosty playing my dance wii games when I find it for rent in the red box. But will ramp things up once I get a hang of this food thing.

Please pray &/or send best wishes this weekend to my friend who is trying out in St. Louis. She also needs it and would be fab on the show.

The Big Weight Issue.

Now, I have already posted about my own issues with weight in my articals "The Health of a Curvy Kitten..." and "Somethings gotta give, somethings gotta change" and if you don't know about my health issues I strongly suggest you read them so you understand what I'm talking about when I discus my health in this. Here is the issue. We have the Body Acceptance movement and the "I need to loose weight for health" people and then theirs the middle ground... women who love themselves as are but need to focus on health and even possibly weight for health because of the recommendations of their doctors (Me) I know this is a difficult issue to talk about. Mostly because its like the civil war, theirs the North talking about the evils of the south and the south boys talking bout how the North is trying to destroy their home while ignoring the point the North is trying to make. Soooooo, Lets try to hash this all out.

2 articals you should read to know what brought about this topic for me "Jess Weiner’s Weight Struggle: “Loving My Body Almost Killed Me”" and "On Jess Weiner And Why Accepting Your Body WON’T Kill You"


First of all true body acceptance dose not mean you ignore your body flaws, it means that you accept your flaws as part of you and as a part of life. It also doesn't mean you ignore flaws that may be life threatening either. Body acceptance means looking in the mirror and being able to accept that you are a beautiful person no mater your flaws or sometimes (like with wrinkles from age/laughter) because of them. And with accepting yourself this way it gives you a possessive viewpoint in witch to live your life and try to attain goals like being healthy for YOUR sake instead of because our culture or our media says "this is how you have to be, please stay within your box". To hell with the box!

So is Jess Weiner wrong? in some ways, but even she admits her focus was sometimes to much on the non important thing in question. So do I think the artical is bad or that her opinion was messed up? NO! Why you might ask? Because their are people who will take apart people who are in the "Fat Acceptance" community because they lost weight for health. Example? the plus size model debate and peoples reactions when a model looses weight and says its because their leading an active life... all the sudden everyone and their distant cousin is saying "but your hot as you where" and "but now your skinny and don't represent real women like me" (like all the sudden your not real if you weigh under a sudden amount? what happened to trying to accept people? Do we really want to be bitches and hate on our skinny sisters just because their skinny? isn't that just as bad as people disrespecting you cause your fat?) or "I think you lost weight cause you want to be main stream not because you want to be healthy". Those are reactions I read over and over again. So... Yeah, sometimes its just a matter of not having used the correct wording or because in Jess Weiner's case she happened to focus on the wrong thing (her weight loss number instead of the fact the doctor was saying shes healthy now) and even admitted to it. But some people like in my case, have been told to loose weight for health. Heck, I even have to admit that I had a doctor tell me before that fateful appointment that I needed to loose half my body weight to get healthy because I was at risk for diebeties if I kept inching up the scale. Are the doctors wrong? I think in some cases the way they say it or the fact that it becomes their pat answer for what is wrong with someone who is obese is wrong but the fact the person might have to focus on a healthier diet, lifestyle, and possibly...possibly even weight? Nope. Their doctors, they have years of education and experience behind them and their are health issues that are either caused by being overweight or can be compounded by being over weight. I who don't even have a degree am not going to say their stupid for doing their job. Some people do have to have a goal number in order to achieve anything. After all, look at me... I avoided scales, avoided doctors until it became necessary, and did whatever I felt was correct and ended up with a body that's waging war on me. Now I need change and in order to do it and get it done I'm going to have to focus on numbers both on the scale and on my food labels. Am I all the sudden a self hatting person who is a traitor to the "fat acceptance" community? No, I don't think so. I do not view women fatter than me as the end all be all of evil, I do not think of them as unhealthy even though my weight for MY body is unhealthy, I do not see fat women as ugly either. I think in the end what I am going to be, what my goal is, Is to be a healthy happy me and support my fellow women no matter how fat or how skinny. Because we are all sisters of the heart and all deserve happiness and acceptance.


So Please, No Hating. What kills is not in the accepting or not accepting. Its in how we treat each other and in how we treat ourselves.

So am I going to walk up to someone fat and say "Your unhealthy! Loose weight you fat slob!"... Nope.

Am I going to talk about weight loss to other people like me who admit to needing it and want to loose weight for health? YES!

Am I a bad person because of it?... NO!

Sometimes things aren't as clear cut as people make out. Yes the two sides seem to be complete opposites but their opposite sides of the coin and somewhere between is were you find people like me. People struggling to find the way and in the end find that loving yourself sometimes means working to improve something about yourself while saying "I am a beautiful sexy me!" despite/because of having to improve my flaws!

Somethings gotta give, somethings gotta change!

Ok, weight wise... things are a struggle. It really has been put on the back burner despite me needing to loose weight for my self esteem and health. Self esteem you are probably wondering? Yeah, its not about fitting in clothing, I have resources... I'm a smart girl. Its not even about the social stand point, so you think fat is ugly or think I'm lazy? eh, I am lazy, I need to get off my rear more I admit that and as far as ugly? I'm so not ugly so don't go their... its hard to call someone who trys to be a good person and has been called beautiful before ugly and their be any truth in it, opinion yes your entitled to that... truth? No. I'm not even go into a whole rant about how people have treated me in the past, the teasing, bullying, name calling, and looks. Nope, all those negative people can just F themselves. Yes I said it... F themselves. So their! Nope what it is all about is my earlier post about my health issue (The Health of a Curvy Kitten). I'm still spotting, I'm still wavering between size 20 and possibly going up a size since I lost my job at Fredericks of Hollywood and all of this (job loss/cant find job & spotting every DANG day) has lead me to constantly waver between depressed, sad but still hopeful, disgusted with myself and my body's response, frustrated, and a grumpy B. Yeah, I try to be the happy me usually and it works for a while but when I'm alone and left to my thoughts (witch happens a lot when you have no job and no money to go out) I want nothing more than to just lay down and cry. I usually go for what I want with determination, sometimes I fail, other times it just takes forever and a day to happen, and sometimes sometimes wonderful things happen for me (like when I got hired at Fredericks and got to work with some of the greatest ladys ever while working at a company I always admired and wanted to work at). I want to be that person again, that person who chases the dream and lucks out. Thats why when my friend mentioned she was going to try out for The Biggest Looser I sat down, read her post on it and thought "Why cant I do that to?". Well HECK YEAH! So I took a look around at the info about it while in the middle of advising about her wardrobe pick for the day she goes. I then asked her about the whole partner thing (their asking for singles and partners just to see) and she said she had her brother but would love a back up plan person. So It was decided... I am trying out here in Orlando and going to name both her and my other friend  (who are both from MO) as my possible partners of my choice. Now comes the scary part... No, not filling out the application silly LOL. That is long but not hard (gaud that sounded like a below the belt joke... long but not hard... I would hope... nope, not going to say it LOL!). The hard part is not only admitting to my problem witch I acknowledge often but don't really think about fully or face on purpose very much, but also admitting to my weight. I have not weighed myself since high school (for my info for my graduation gown) and I don't remember my weight from the dr appointment that so flustered me last year (or was it the year before?) so now I have to weigh myself and I don't have a scale... this means a weigh in at the grocery store where they have a scale in the pharmacy area. I cant say I'm happy with it... the first time in so long doing it rite their in the grocery store but... It has to be done. I need to face just how bad it is and I need to know.

All I know now is, I hope they pick me (me and my friends preferable, if not me than at lease one of us, we all need it since we have our own health or quality of life issues that would improve with weight loss). This is the perfect time in my life for something like this to happen to me, I'm in between jobs (well jobless) and I'm going to turn 30 this year in Oct. being able to be on a show like that where they will kick my rear in gear and get me in shape would be the perfect way to start out my 30's and the rest of my life as a healthier happier me.

Funniest thing? I decided to do all this and I told (not asked about his opinion or hinted or nothing, just told) my boyfriend I was going and he had to take me... then of coarse me being me I then panicked and asked him if he though it was a good idea and if he would be ok with it (because while I do bull doze my way sometimes when I want something I usually less upfront about it LOL! I was afraid he thought I didn't care for his opinion. He seems ok with it though).

On a happy note, I got my outfit picked out for the casting. Something that stands out but is classic me (bright colors, mix of styles and just... well ME). I wish I had the money to buy cute flats to wear with it (since heels are out off the question, dam weight for making walking in heels almost imposable for me!) but I suspect I will end up wearing my boring black shoes i use to wear to work since I don't have the cash to spend on shoes. I do have a new tank top to wear as part of the outfit. It was only $3! I will get picts when I go to the tryouts (although if you want a sneak peek check out my "my closet" page in the outfit section). Gaud, I haven't been this nervous since color guard tryouts in high school!

*comes back next day*- Well I weighed myself at the grocery store. I was tired enough from waking up early this morning (early for me at lease) that my nerves didn't get the better of me. To be honest Im more disappointed and yeah, even pissed at myself about my weight. After all, I have no one to blame for my health issues but myself. 

Ok, here it is....

I weigh 283

That is 30 pounds over my high school weight I believe, that is if I'm remembering correctly.


I also want to let you all know, I'm not giving up on loosing weight if they don't pick me. I NEED to loose weight, it's not an option for me to keep going this way. The only issue is trying to get myself out of the house and doing something I enjoy enough to keep at (well that and money to get/do whatever it is). So it will probably take longer :( I have tried reading the books people have given me, I try to find healthy food/recipes, its just... well its an influx of information and it gets hard to wade through it all and find whats rite for me. Thats one of the reasons I hope they pick me, so they can teach me how to figure this all out!

"I'm just saying" black feather wire bracelet.

 Made this bracelet to be a good luck charm for me to wear when I go to the casting call. Has caps that say "Are you Really ready?", "Be Grateful not hateful", Now is the golden time", and "I love a happy endings".