Somethings gotta give, somethings gotta change!

Ok, weight wise... things are a struggle. It really has been put on the back burner despite me needing to loose weight for my self esteem and health. Self esteem you are probably wondering? Yeah, its not about fitting in clothing, I have resources... I'm a smart girl. Its not even about the social stand point, so you think fat is ugly or think I'm lazy? eh, I am lazy, I need to get off my rear more I admit that and as far as ugly? I'm so not ugly so don't go their... its hard to call someone who trys to be a good person and has been called beautiful before ugly and their be any truth in it, opinion yes your entitled to that... truth? No. I'm not even go into a whole rant about how people have treated me in the past, the teasing, bullying, name calling, and looks. Nope, all those negative people can just F themselves. Yes I said it... F themselves. So their! Nope what it is all about is my earlier post about my health issue (The Health of a Curvy Kitten). I'm still spotting, I'm still wavering between size 20 and possibly going up a size since I lost my job at Fredericks of Hollywood and all of this (job loss/cant find job & spotting every DANG day) has lead me to constantly waver between depressed, sad but still hopeful, disgusted with myself and my body's response, frustrated, and a grumpy B. Yeah, I try to be the happy me usually and it works for a while but when I'm alone and left to my thoughts (witch happens a lot when you have no job and no money to go out) I want nothing more than to just lay down and cry. I usually go for what I want with determination, sometimes I fail, other times it just takes forever and a day to happen, and sometimes sometimes wonderful things happen for me (like when I got hired at Fredericks and got to work with some of the greatest ladys ever while working at a company I always admired and wanted to work at). I want to be that person again, that person who chases the dream and lucks out. Thats why when my friend mentioned she was going to try out for The Biggest Looser I sat down, read her post on it and thought "Why cant I do that to?". Well HECK YEAH! So I took a look around at the info about it while in the middle of advising about her wardrobe pick for the day she goes. I then asked her about the whole partner thing (their asking for singles and partners just to see) and she said she had her brother but would love a back up plan person. So It was decided... I am trying out here in Orlando and going to name both her and my other friend  (who are both from MO) as my possible partners of my choice. Now comes the scary part... No, not filling out the application silly LOL. That is long but not hard (gaud that sounded like a below the belt joke... long but not hard... I would hope... nope, not going to say it LOL!). The hard part is not only admitting to my problem witch I acknowledge often but don't really think about fully or face on purpose very much, but also admitting to my weight. I have not weighed myself since high school (for my info for my graduation gown) and I don't remember my weight from the dr appointment that so flustered me last year (or was it the year before?) so now I have to weigh myself and I don't have a scale... this means a weigh in at the grocery store where they have a scale in the pharmacy area. I cant say I'm happy with it... the first time in so long doing it rite their in the grocery store but... It has to be done. I need to face just how bad it is and I need to know.

All I know now is, I hope they pick me (me and my friends preferable, if not me than at lease one of us, we all need it since we have our own health or quality of life issues that would improve with weight loss). This is the perfect time in my life for something like this to happen to me, I'm in between jobs (well jobless) and I'm going to turn 30 this year in Oct. being able to be on a show like that where they will kick my rear in gear and get me in shape would be the perfect way to start out my 30's and the rest of my life as a healthier happier me.

Funniest thing? I decided to do all this and I told (not asked about his opinion or hinted or nothing, just told) my boyfriend I was going and he had to take me... then of coarse me being me I then panicked and asked him if he though it was a good idea and if he would be ok with it (because while I do bull doze my way sometimes when I want something I usually less upfront about it LOL! I was afraid he thought I didn't care for his opinion. He seems ok with it though).

On a happy note, I got my outfit picked out for the casting. Something that stands out but is classic me (bright colors, mix of styles and just... well ME). I wish I had the money to buy cute flats to wear with it (since heels are out off the question, dam weight for making walking in heels almost imposable for me!) but I suspect I will end up wearing my boring black shoes i use to wear to work since I don't have the cash to spend on shoes. I do have a new tank top to wear as part of the outfit. It was only $3! I will get picts when I go to the tryouts (although if you want a sneak peek check out my "my closet" page in the outfit section). Gaud, I haven't been this nervous since color guard tryouts in high school!

*comes back next day*- Well I weighed myself at the grocery store. I was tired enough from waking up early this morning (early for me at lease) that my nerves didn't get the better of me. To be honest Im more disappointed and yeah, even pissed at myself about my weight. After all, I have no one to blame for my health issues but myself. 

Ok, here it is....

I weigh 283

That is 30 pounds over my high school weight I believe, that is if I'm remembering correctly.


I also want to let you all know, I'm not giving up on loosing weight if they don't pick me. I NEED to loose weight, it's not an option for me to keep going this way. The only issue is trying to get myself out of the house and doing something I enjoy enough to keep at (well that and money to get/do whatever it is). So it will probably take longer :( I have tried reading the books people have given me, I try to find healthy food/recipes, its just... well its an influx of information and it gets hard to wade through it all and find whats rite for me. Thats one of the reasons I hope they pick me, so they can teach me how to figure this all out!

"I'm just saying" black feather wire bracelet.

 Made this bracelet to be a good luck charm for me to wear when I go to the casting call. Has caps that say "Are you Really ready?", "Be Grateful not hateful", Now is the golden time", and "I love a happy endings".