I was reading Mezzo Fashionisto's entry Meaty Topic-The Scales of Fat and I realized that I needed to explain to my friends who are reading this the complexity of my size issues.
First of all, I always have loved the old fashion pin ups like Mae West, Marilyn Monroe and Bettie Page. So I have nothing against a girl having curves. I know, their not really plus size, they where average size and its only today's media that makes us think in terms of women with curves equal plus size but lets also understand that I have always seen women who have curvy body's as beautiful. I never understood the whole thing about skinny equals better. In fact I know some skinny girls who would kill to have some of my fat LOL. No, I have no issue with size as far as women being curvy are concerned. My problems rest completely on one thing. My body has decided that the size I currently am is its limit... actually it has made it clear to me that I should be a size 18 or lower. Not because being size 20 or larger is bad looking cause gawd knows this Kitten is a Sexy Beast as is LOL, not cause I cant get clothing cause I have proven by my list provided on the right hand side of my blog that that's not true, not because a big girl cant find a guy cause I have one and have had others and have had obsessed borderline stalkers to and you know what? None of them cared what size I was, and its not because I have size envy cause to be honest while I like main stream clothing I would also die of embarrassment if I was bone thin cause my body isn't built to look good bone thin...
No my body has proven it wanted to be smaller by making me feel tired and blah all the time, by making wearing heals painful, by upsetting my hormones for a year, and last of all by shedding my uterus lining on a daily basis and disrupting my health and life by doing so. It caused me to see a doctor, my first exam of that type and while yes I'm not shy this was a very personal thing for me and caused me great anxiety. Here I am panicking, on the verge of breakdown, so nervous that a penny dropping would have startled me... The doctor comes in and treats me like an idiot cause I don't know what to do *rolls eyes* "HELLO? First time despite my age, Has only had 3 lovers ever so didn't feel the need till now to come see this type of doctor!" and then declares its that I'm fat. "Um, Hello? I know that! Only difference between now and when I was healthy was I gained a size." and then says that my blood presher is to high for him to put me on birth control to regulate my issue "Um... Have you ever heard of NERVOUS and ON the brink of a break down from it? Of coarse my blood presher is high for the first time in my fat life!" and gives me a prescription for a mild hormone to help stop the spotting issue and says that if this keeps up for to long I might get cancer down their. Thanks, all that money I payed just to be told what I already know and get a bottle of pills smaller than a tick tack after being teated like an idiot, humiliated, and frightened by the mention of cancer to my girly parts. Then their is trying to eat better and trying to get up and do activitys while the yo yo of and the bleeding stopped and then oh no its back... Grrrrr! Now I find myself tired of it all, disgusted by my body's reaction, and depressed from feeling nasty cause it feels nasty when your like on the rag 24/7 all freaking year.
All I want is to be a healthy Curvy Kitten again. I want to be between a size 10 and 18 so I can be healthy me. Do I think badly of plus size women because I want to be thinner? No! Do I feel shame at being plus size? No! Do I want to be plus size? Well heck, 16 and 18 might be the smaller end of plus size but I will still be a curvy beautiful plus woman so F anyone who hates on us big gals and I don't see my body looking good, feeling good, or even being able to be say a size 1 or something, I'm just not built like that. So is it so bad? Is it so bad I want to better myself? Am I anti Plus just cause I want to be a smaller size for my health? Am I even going to be able to lose weight? Nothing I have tyred in the past has worked but then again nothing in the past has mattered as much as doing it for the right and only reason is (for health).
Me in high school a healthy but still considered obese size 16-18 at 5ft 3in.
Me a year ago at size 20 still 5ft 3in and still obese but unhealthy instead of healthy.